With This Nail, I Thee Wed
by worrywart
Summary: So I am very late with this New Year's story, but here it is! Severus wakes up following a rather ambitious evening to discover he is married. Just who is he married to, and how did it come about? Read and see! Post war, slightly OOC. Rated for language and frank references to sex.


**Thank you to my lovely team of ladies: Velveteenbunny, KCI Forty Seven, and jensteed. Your help is, as always, invaluable. Special hugs to jensteed for the title of this fic, which was tentatively called 'Shag', but hers was so much better. **

**This is a fun little fic. No smut. Sorry!**

* * *

Severus woke up, feeling that bone lazy, pleasurable weariness that only comes from having been thoroughly shagged the night before. He was cocooned within a duvet, every square inch of his body so warm and reluctant to move.

He also had a hangover, and as he debated actually moving, thereby increasing the pounding in his head, he wondered just _who_ he had shagged last night. Whoever it was, he knew he had enjoyed it; aside from the telltale stickiness on his belly and thighs, the woman's scent was still in his nose.

He moved his feet, and that's when he realized that the woman was still in his bed. He opened his eyes and discovered two other things; this was not his bed and there was no mistaking the woman his saw sleeping beside him.

"Granger!" he barked, and a startled Hermione sat bolt upright.

"What?!" she answered, breathing heavily.

"What in Merlin's name am I doing in your bed?"

Confused, she replied, "Sleeping obviously or at least you were."

"How the hell did I wind up here?" He ran his left hand through his hair and when his fingers snagged his hair, he discovered the fourth thing; a ring on his wedding finger. Number four was quickly followed up by number five, a wedding ring on _her_ finger.

Severus growled, "Whatever fuckery you've involved me in, it had better stop now!"

"I involved you in?" she spat and leapt out of bed. "What the hell do you mean? I don't remember anything beyond your coming into the pub; we were at Hogsmeade last night, ringing in the New Year."

Severus got out of bed as well. "Well, we obviously went somewhere," he said, waving his left hand in her face.

Hermione gasped and looked at her own left hand. "What the fuck?" she screeched. "How the hell did I end up married to you? And we consummated it too?"

Severus smirked and snidely said, "Judging from the looks of your thighs, several times."

Hermione glanced down and indeed her thighs were shiny with the results of their actions last night. Not only that, she was covered in love bites on her breasts, stomach, and thighs. She stamped her foot and growled before stomping off to her bathroom to shower, slamming the door as she yelled, "Put some clothes on!"

Severus smirked and took a quick look at his body. She had left him marked in several places, especially along the 'V' of muscles that ran from his waist to his groin. He ran a quick Cleaning Charm over himself and dressed, thinking he'd look around for any clue as to what happened last night. It didn't take him long to find what he was looking for; a large piece of parchment was laying on her coffee table. He picked it up and scanned it. Giving a shout, he barged into the bathroom, flung back the shower curtain and watched as Hermione leapt into the air.

"You bastard!" she screamed as she scrambled for something to cover herself with.

"Explain to me why," he dangled the parchment in front of her, "in the name of the seven levels of hell, did we go to Gretna Green and get married!"

"If I knew the answer to that, we would most definitely _not_ be married. Now get the fuck out of here, and let me finish. We will talk when I get done!" She flung the curtain closed. "And Jesus Christ, did you have to put a love bite _there_?"

Severus chuckled. He didn't remember putting the love bites on her, but he was a connoisseur of cunnilingus and well, the primal man in him tended to mark what he thought of as his. It didn't happen often to be honest.

He stormed into the sitting room and threw himself onto the couch. It was at this point that he realized his head was pounding, and he scrounged through his pockets for a hangover potion. When he couldn't find one, he went to Hermione's kitchen and rooted around the cupboards, finding several in a rack. "Is she a lush?" he wondered out loud.

"No, I am not a lush, but the boys never remember to keep them on hand and often pester me for them. May I have one please?"

Severus turned and was momentarily speechless. Hermione stood before him wearing a dressing gown with a towel wrapped around her head. Her neck was marked with a few large love bites, but otherwise, her skin was flawless and creamy. The gown hugged her as she had tightly tied the belt, accentuating her ample breasts, thin waist and curvy hips. She really was lovely, but that didn't mean he wanted to be married to her.

After downing the potion, Hermione spoke. "We obviously need to talk, but I am hungry. Would you like something to eat while we talk?"

Severus nodded. "Nothing heavy, please."

Laughing, Hermione answered, "Trust me, I don't do heavy breakfasts, not after Hogwarts. How about a couple of omelettes and some fruit? Coffee or tea?"

"That sounds fine and coffee, please."

With a bit of magic, Hermione had breakfast on the table. They both dug in and for a few minutes, just refuelled and rehydrated.

Wiping his mouth on a paper napkin, Severus asked, "So what _do_ you remember?"

Hermione swallowed her sip of coffee before answering. "A bunch of us met up at The Three Broomsticks for old times' sake and to ring in the New Year. It was Harry and Ginny, Ron and Lavender, Neville and Susan. We were playing darts when you came in."

"You play surprisingly well," Severus noted.

Hermione smiled. "Thanks; my dad taught me. Anyway, we were really into our cups by then. I was surprised when you joined us."

"I remember you and I teamed up to play against Potter and Weasley."

Hermione laughed. "They were so mad when they realised you had charmed the darts to fly straight. With as much as we had had to drink, I am surprised we didn't puncture the other patrons!"

Severus smirked. "Potter was rather amusing to watch when he realised. So, what do you remember happening next?"

Hermione thought a moment and then said, "We ate and chatted and continued to play. As it neared midnight, we began to discuss resolutions. Some were rather good, and then we got pretty silly, but I remember Ron making me really angry when he said that my resolutions were boring."

"Boring?"

"Yes. I said I resolved to take some of my research further, and to learn Futhark runes. As a matter of fact, he began to rabbit on about your resolutions."

"I remember now," said Severus thoughtfully. "He thought my resolve to develop a potion to treat the nerve damage from the Cruciatus a bit boring."

Hermione snorted. "He then went on to call us 'old, boring, daft buggers who wouldn't know fun and spontaneity if it hit us in the face'. That really ticked me off."

"As it did me as I remember. What happened next?"

"It began to toll midnight." Hermione blushed as she remembered what happened. "All the couples began to kiss. Erm…you and I kissed as friends, but it sort of…took on a life of its own."

Severus smirked. "Ah, yes. You kiss very well, Hermione. But, that still doesn't answer the burning question; how the hell are we married?"

Hermione drank the last of her coffee. "We had better go find Harry and Ron. I suspect strongly they had something to do with this." She waved her ring finger. "And for the record, you kiss very well yourself. I need to get dressed and then we'll head over to Grimmauld Place." She began to leave the room when she turned back and said saucily, "From the evidence you left, you shag pretty well too. Wish I could remember that." She closed the door to her bedroom, missing the jaw of Severus Snape drop in astonishment.

The couple Apparated to Grimmauld Place. Hermione opened the door quietly—the wards recognised her—but slammed it once Severus crossed the threshold.

She held her wand to her throat and whispered, _Sonorus. _ Severus winced as she yelled, "Harry James Potter and Ronald Bilius Weasley! Get your scrawny arses down here right now. Ginevra Molly Weasley, Lavender Anne Brown if you're here, you get your arses down here as well!"

Hermione put a charm on her shoes to amplify her steps as she stormed through the house toward the kitchen. Severus followed in her wake, marvelling at Hermione in her anger. She was simply beautiful.

When they arrived at the kitchen, she removed all her charms and spoke to Kreacher. "Please make some coffee and toast. I don't imagine your master will be able to handle much else this morning."

Kreacher responded, "No, Mistress of not quite pureblood. Master was not able to walk well last night."

Severus and Hermione settled themselves at the kitchen table, waiting for the motley crew to appear. Kreacher served them coffee and then left.

"You are quite a vindictive wench; I hope I never get on the wrong side of your wand," Severus commented, smiling at her. They turned at the sound of dragging feet coming into the room.

"'Mione, why did you do that? I've got such a hangover," grumbled a tousled haired Harry said as he shuffled into the kitchen, glasses askew. Ron, Lavender, and Ginny followed behind.

"Coffee," breathed Ginny rapturously, and she snatched a cup and inhaled. "I don't suppose you've brought any hangover potions?"

"Sorry," said Hermione, not really sorry. "All used up. We need to talk. Everyone sit."

"It's so early Hermione," said Ron. "Can't it wait until later?"

Severus answered for them both, "No, Mr. Weasley, it cannot." He slid his chair across the stone floor and watched the four young adults grab their heads and moan. "It appears that you four hold the key to why Hermione now needs to change the initials on her monogrammed parchment."

Harry looked blankly at Hermione. "What's he on about?"

Severus laid his ringed left hand on the table next to Harry's coffee mug, gesturing to Hermione to do the same. "It appears that Hermione needs to change her initials from HJG to HJS."

"Whoa!" spluttered Ron, pointing to their hands. "What the fuck did you two do last night?"

"Oh no, Hermione!" Ginny began aghast. "You didn't take us seriously, did you?"

"About what, Ginny?" asked Hermione. "We don't remember much about last night after the clock struck midnight. We hoped you would!"

Ginny shook her head. "I can't believe you took us so seriously." She snagged a piece of toast and took a bite. Swallowing quickly, she continued. "We were giving you guys a ribbing about your resolutions."

"We remembered that bit; Ron was rather condescending about our resolutions."

"Well, they certainly don't sound fun," mumbled Ron into his mug.

"What," asked Severus, "we should have resolved to play more Quidditch, spend less time working?"

"Yeah, you know, have some fun."

"But Ron," Hermione began, "we enjoy researching and learning new things. That's what fun is for us."

"Ron-Ron only meant that you're not spontaneous," interjected Lavender.

"I am spontaneous," spluttered Hermione.

Harry laughed, "Honestly, 'Mione; when's the last time you did anything that wasn't on your planner? And you," Harry turned to Severus, "hardly strike me as the type of man who does anything without considering all the outcomes first."

"We are not as 'devil may care' as you bunch are," began Severus, "but that still doesn't explain how we wound up at Gretna Green." He stood and went to the cooker to refill his coffee from the pot.

"Before we get to that," Ginny said, pointing to the large love bite on Severus' neck. "You did at least remember to use a contraceptive charm last night?"

Severus dropped his cup onto the floor and Hermione gasped. The pair looked at each other in shock. "Miss Granger-"

"It's Mrs. Snape now," said Lavender unhelpfully.

Severus was at Hermione's side in two strides and grabbed her arm.

"Ow! You're hurting me!"

"We need to talk, now! Privately!" He dragged her out of the kitchen, up the stairs and into the library. Warding and silencing the room, he growled. "Please tell me you use a potion or something!"

"I don't," she whispered tremulously. "I mean, I have to cast a charm; I am allergic to the Wizarding potions, and I haven't seen a Muggle doctor in years to obtain birth control that way."

"And did you cast the charm last night?"

"I don't remember. Can't we test our wands? Priori Incantatum?"

Severus nodded and the pair took out their wands and said the incantation. They had each used Glamour and Grooming Charms in the last few hours and some run of the mill charms—dressing, cooking, work related—in the last twenty-four, but none of them included a Contraceptive Charm.

Hermione dropped to a nearby chair and held her head.

Severus fumed, but asked, "Where are you in your cycle?"

"It's due in two weeks."

"So there's a chance."

Hermione nodded sadly. "Yes."

Severus scrubbed his face. "I am in no way prepared to be a father, nor had I planned on ever being a father."

Hermione looked up, tears in her eyes. "And I am not ready to be a mother at all. I've only just started my career! Isn't there a charm to detect pregnancy now?"

Severus shook his head. "It would be too early and inconclusive at best." He stepped over to where Hermione sat and knelt before her, his hands on her knees. Softly he said, "Look, the chance you're pregnant is slim. Let's wait and see, and we will make any decisions then. But first, we need to figure out how we came to be married."

Sniffling, Hermione nodded. "Okay."

"Do you need anything?" asked Severus. Hermione nodded again. "What?"

"Can I have a hug?"

Clearing his throat, rather discomfited, he leant in and wrap his arms around her. Her arms went around him, and she cried a bit. The hug felt okay to him. He never hugged the women he had slept with, in fact, he usually went to their flats and then left not long after the act was completed. He was not a cuddler at all, but this didn't feel bad. "Come," he said, "we have people to hex and maim once we find out what's going on."

The pair entered the kitchen to find the other couples eating and talking quietly. Ginny looked up. "Are you okay?" she asked Hermione.

"I'll be all right soon." Hermione sat down and Severus took the seat next to her.

"Do you think you're pregnant?" Ginny asked.

"There is a possibility," answered Severus, "but we will deal with that if there is a pregnancy. However, you still need to answer our question; how did we come to be married in the first place?"

"Well," began Ginny, pointing at the boys, "Ron and Harry kept on about how you two are not spontaneous; you always think through everything. So Ron dared you."

"Dared us to what?" asked Hermione

"Dared you to do something off the wall…something unexpected," said Ron.

"And we chose to marry?" Severus asked.

"We didn't know what you chose to be honest. You got all mad and grabbed Hermione and said, 'follow me'."

"Before we knew it," Harry said, picking up the story, "you created a Portkey out of a sandwich wrapper from the bushes outside the Three Broomsticks, and we all went to Gretna Green."

"The manager there was right pissed about being woken up again," said Lavender.

"So the four of you just stood by and let us get married?" gasped Hermione.

Ron sat up proudly. "Yep! Harry was your best man, Snape, and Ginny your witness. Before we knew it, the manger had fashioned two rings out of some nails and did the ceremony. Who knew you could kiss like that, Snape!"

"Like what?" growled Severus.

"Like a man who knew what to do," Ron snorted.

"Did you think I was inexperienced with women?"

"Well…." Ron looked away and then hollered 'ow' when Severus hit him upside the head.

"I'll have you know, I do very well with women." He looked at Hermione who blushed. He cleared his throat and continued. "I think perhaps Hermione and I had better got to Gretna Green and see the man who married us. Perhaps he can certify it was a mistake and that would help us get an annulment at the Ministry."

"That's sounds like a plan," agreed Hermione.

"We'll all go," volunteered Ginny.

"No," snapped Hermione, "you'll all stay here. Severus and I will go alone; you've done enough."

After Apparating to Gretna Green, the pair walked around to the forge where Ginny said they had gone to marry. A bell rang as they opened the door and stepped inside. The place was hot and dusty, and in the centre of the room stood a large anvil, the floor around it worn smooth from centuries of iron mongers welding their craft and couples standing on either side to exchange vows. They walked a nearby counter and waited.

"Ah, said a spritely looking old man who came into the room from a door near the back. "I'd wondered if I'd see you again."

"What do you mean?" asked Severus.

"Well, last night was a busy night for me; officiated at ten weddings. Some of them legit, some not."

"What do you mean?" Hermione asked.

"Look, I've been doing this for almost seventy-five years. I know the difference between a couple in love and a couple in their cups." Hermione and Severus looked at each other. "You two were in your cups, but were rather insistent that you wanted to marry."

"So you performed a ceremony on two obviously inebriated people?" Severus whispered dangerously.

"No." replied the old man.

"What do you mean?" He picked up Hermione's hand and waved his own. "Our friends said you made these for us."

"Yes, I did. I always make them out of nails for those whose ceremonies are not legitimate."

"What do you mean? What's going on?" Severus asked, confusion lacing his voice.

"Look man, I could see you two were not serious but, as with most drunk couples, you insisted. So I performed a fake ceremony and gave you fakes rings to exchange!" He began to laugh when he saw the very visible relief in the faces of the man and woman in front of him. "Naw," he said, "you ain't married. But I will tell you this."

"Yes?" asked Hermione.

"You might have been in your cups, but your eyes told another story."

"Yes, the story of two drunken idiots," sneered Severus.

The man spoke seriously. "No, the story of two people who respect each other very much; the sort of respect that leads to some of the very best of relationships." The man turned back toward the door. "Be gone! And if I were you, I'd take her out on a real date…no alcohol this time," he said to Severus before slipping through the door.

Severus and Hermione walked out of the forge in a daze. Once outside, they turned to each other.

"I am going to kill Ron," grumbled Hermione, "and Harry. I can't believe they would make us do something so foolish." She looked at her hand. "We can take these off."

The pair slid off the rings and put them in their pockets.

"Do you think what he said is true?" asked Severus.

"About what?" Hermione looked up at the man beside her as they walked.

"Our eyes."

"Maybe. Come on, let's get home."

"I'm famished", began Severus, "do you want to grab a bite to eat first?"

"Sure; there's a pub not far from Harry's house."

Lunch was delicious, but it was time to head back to Grimmauld Place. As they appeared at the front door, Hermione said, "He was right about something."

"What's that?" Severus inquired as they entered and he took her coat to hang on a rack near the door.

"I do respect you and consider you a very good friend."

Severus looked at the woman. "Yes, I guess you are a friend. We've worked well together in the past."

"Yes, we have."

They talked for a while longer before Severus had to leave. Hermione asked, as she handed him his cloak, "Look, Severus, what if I am…you know, pregnant?"

Severus blew out a long breath before speaking. "If you are pregnant, I will stand by whatever decision you wish to make. We both have said we are not ready to be parents, but perhaps, given that we seem to like each other at least, perhaps we can manage to have a child together. I don't know."

"I guess we just have to wait, yeah?"

"Yes." Severus leaned in and kissed her cheek. "I need to go. I'll owl you soon; I've a new project I know you'd like to help me with."

With delight, she replied, "I look forward to it." She returned the kiss and closed the door behind him.

_One month later_

Hermione sat on the toilet as she peed on a stick. She could have gone to St. Mungo's, but she didn't want the world to know she might be pregnant; it seemed the Wizarding world did not have as strict a policy on medical privacy as the Muggle world.

She finished up, placed the stick on the counter and set the kitchen timer she had brought with her for three minutes. As she waited, she thought about Severus. Although they had not gone out on an official date yet, since New Year's Day they had seen much more of each other socially. Often they talked about work, and Severus even helped her to begin to learn Futhark runes. She felt comfortable around the man; she didn't feel she needed to hide anything—for Merlin's sake, the man knew her as an idiotic pre-teen and beyond; it felt good being around him.

The timer went off and Hermione took a breath. Peering at the tiny window, she read the results; not pregnant. She sagged against the counter. Although the thought of a baby was beguiling, she truly wasn't ready for one, even if the father was a friend. She wanted their relationship to grow naturally, without the onus of having 'had' to get together. If she were in the Muggle world, she would have been fine as a single mother, but the Wizarding world frowned upon it. She and Severus would have been forced to marry in order to protect the child. It was not a good reason to marry, and not a guarantee that things would have worked out.

Chucking the test in the bin, she went to her fireplace and threw in some Floo powder. "Severus Snape's residence!" she called.

"Hello," a deep voice answered.

"It's me Severus, may I come through?"

"Certainly, Hermione." In a moment, she stood before him, brushing off the soot from her clothes. "How are you?" asked Severus as he dusted her shoulders.

"I have some news about…"

Severus caught on right away. "And?"

"I am not pregnant."

Severus was visibly relieved. "Are you okay with this?"

"Yes," she said. "Oh, Severus," she hugged him and then drew him to the sofa to sit. "I want a child someday, but not now. I am still trying to figure out my new job, myself and," she hesitated slightly, "where I might fit into the picture with you."

"Would you want a relationship with me?"

Hermione looked into his eyes and smiled. "Yes, I would."

Severus took her hands. "I would like that as well, but a proper one. One where I take you on dates, and we um…don't have sex right away."

Hermione laughed. "I really am not the type of women who does what we did. I mean, I have had sex with other men that I had been dating for a while, but I really I don't sleep around. And I certainly don't go running off to Gretna Green on a dare!"

Severus pulled her closer. "I am glad to hear that. I admit to several one night stands, but as you might have realised by now, I am not an impulsive man."

Hermione faked a gasp, "No!"

Severus smiled. "So, my dear, where should we go for our first official date?"

"Anywhere, so long as it has nothing to do with anvils, darts, or Grimmauld Place."

"My sentiments exactly. How about a museum?"

Hermione leant up and kissed Severus on the cheek. "Severus, you're speaking my language. When shall we go?"

"Now?" Severus flicked his wand, murmuring the Tempus charm. "The British Museum opens in an hour."

"Brunch first?" Hermione asked.

Severus smiled and waved his hand at the fireplace. "Lead the way, my lady."


End file.
